Why Can’t I Let This Go? Willingness vs. Willfulness in DBT

Sometimes we know what is happening and still find ourselves fighting against it.

Someone says something that hurts, and hours later we are still replaying the conversation. Why would they say that? What did they mean? I should have said something different.

A driver cuts us off, and our hands tighten around the steering wheel. Our shoulders rise. What is wrong with people? They shouldn’t be driving like that.

In these moments, the struggle isn’t happening only in our thoughts. Our emotions respond. Our body responds. Sometimes we feel that response in our body before we even find the words for what we are experiencing.

And sometimes we stay caught there. We replay what happened, question why it happened, or become increasingly frustrated that things aren’t going the way we want them to.

In DBT, this kind of fighting against reality can be part of willfulness. Willingness offers another way of meeting the same moment. And through Half-Smile and Willing Hands, we can practice that willingness not only with our mind, but with our body.

The reality may not change. How we participate in it can.

What Are Willingness and Willfulness?

Willfulness is what happens when we dig in against the reality that is already here. It can show up in the whys, the shoulds and shouldn’ts, judgments, or replaying something over and over in our mind. Sometimes it looks like insisting that something has to happen our way, trying to control what we cannot control, or refusing to do what the situation requires because we do not want to.

There is often a reason we are holding on so tightly.

Sometimes continuing to question, judge, or replay what happened keeps us a little farther away from something that feels even harder to experience. Anger may be easier to stay with than hurt. Continuing to ask why may keep us from fully contacting the sadness that something really did happen. Refusing to deal with a situation may give us temporary distance from fear about what comes next.

Rather than judging willfulness, we can become curious about it: What am I fighting right now? What might feel difficult about letting some of this fight go?

Willingness is the movement toward opening to what is here and doing what the situation needs from us. We do not have to want the reality we are in. We can feel angry, hurt, disappointed, afraid, or sad and still be willing.

Willingness allows Emotion Mind and Reasonable Mind to come together more fully in Wise Mind. Instead of using our energy to keep arguing with what has already happened, there can be a little more room to ask:

Given that this is where I am right now, what does this moment need from me?

Willingness can also be practiced through the body. This is where Half-Smile and Willing Hands come in.

Practicing Willingness With the Body

DBT uses Willing Hands and Half-Smile to intentionally change our physical posture in ways that can support greater openness and acceptance.

Willing Hands

When we are angry, afraid, frustrated, or fighting against something, the body may naturally brace. Willing Hands offers a different physical posture. Because our mind, body, and emotions continually influence one another, opening and relaxing the hands can begin to shift our physical response and support movement toward willingness.

Try this as you are reading.

If you are sitting, place your hands on your lap or thighs, palms facing upward and fingers relaxed. If you are standing, let your arms hang loosely at your sides, with your palms turned slightly outward.

Hold this position gently for a moment and notice. What happens in your hands, arms, and shoulders? What happens with your breathing? Notice your thoughts and emotions as well.

Perhaps something softens. Perhaps you become aware of tension you hadn’t noticed before. Perhaps very little changes.

Willing Hands allows the body to practice the openness we are moving toward in the mind.

Half-Smile

Our facial expressions and emotions influence one another. Half-Smile intentionally relaxes the face and changes the expression we are holding, which can begin to influence our emotional experience and support movement toward willingness.

Allow your face to relax and your jaw to soften. Then turn the corners of your mouth upward just slightly. A Half-Smile can be so subtle that someone looking at you might not even notice it.

Hold the Half-Smile gently and notice what happens in your face and body. Notice your breathing, thoughts, and emotions.

Something painful can still hurt. Anger, sadness, disappointment, or fear can still be present. We are allowing those experiences to be here while practicing a more open physical response to the moment.

Willing Hands and Half-Smile can be practiced separately or together. Sometimes willingness allows our body to soften. At other times, we can begin by softening the body and notice whether willingness becomes a little more accessible.

We don’t have to wait until we feel willing to practice willingness.

If you would like to practice these skills further, Marsha Linehan’s DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets offers additional practice with Willing Hands, Half-Smile, and other Reality Acceptance skills.

Willingness in Everyday Life

Willingness can create more room for our emotions, and it can also help us take effective action.

What willingness asks of us will be different in different situations. Sometimes willingness means acknowledging, I cannot change this. There are times when something can be done, and we really do not want to be the one who has to do it. There are times when we do not know what will happen next and there is nothing to solve yet. And there are times when what is needed is allowing ourselves to experience sadness, anger, fear, hurt, or disappointment without continuing to fight the reality that brought those emotions.

We can be willing to experience what we feel and willing to do what is needed.

Sometimes willingness means letting go of trying to change what isn’t ours to change. At other times, it means doing the difficult thing that is ours to do.

Willingness helps us come back to Wise Mind and ask: Given the reality I am in right now, what is effective?

Willingness is something we practice. We may notice ourselves fighting the same reality again and need to choose willingness many times.

The pain of what happened may still be there. The disappointment may still matter. We can keep wishing something had been different and practice meeting the reality that is here with greater openness.

Over time, there may be a little less energy going into fighting what has already happened or what we cannot control, and more room to hear Wise Mind and respond to what is here now.

The reality may not change. And how we participate in it can.

Continue Learning About DBT

If you would like to learn more about DBT skills, you can explore the DBT Skills Series. The series covers skills from across DBT, with practical explanations and examples for using them in everyday life. You can explore skills for mindfulness, managing intense emotions, getting through difficult moments, navigating relationships, and building a life that feels more meaningful.

If you would like to continue exploring Reality Acceptance, you may also find Reality Acceptance and Radical Acceptance and Turning the Mind helpful.

If you are interested in learning more about DBT therapy or working together, you are also welcome to reach out to me.