When Your Emotions Take Over: How “Checking the Facts” Helps You Respond Instead of React

Have you ever had an emotion take you for a ride — only to realize later that the story behind it wasn’t quite true?

“Maybe your friend didn’t respond, and you were sure they were upset.  Or your partner seemed distracted, and your brain jumped to “They don’t care.”

These reactions are common, especially when we’ve been hurt before. I wrote more about how intense emotions can show up in close relationships in a blog about navigating relationships without losing yourself. And while our emotions are valid, they aren’t always accurate to the situation. That’s where the DBT skill Check the Facts comes in.

Check the Facts is one of the core skills in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) for changing an emotional response when the emotion doesn’t quite fit what’s actually happening. It helps you slow down, sort through the story, and respond based on what’s real — not just what your brain assumes.

In this post, we’ll walk through how this skill works, how to use it in daily life, and how it can completely shift how you respond in emotionally charged moments — especially in relationships.

When Emotions Don’t Quite Fit the Facts

Not every emotional reaction matches the situation we’re in. Sometimes, the emotion type makes sense, but the intensity doesn’t. Other times, we react to something that isn’t happening in the present — like a feared outcome or an old pattern being triggered.

In DBT, we ask whether an emotion fits the facts – not whether it’s good or bad, or right or wrong.  Emotions are valid because they come from somewhere, but do they match what’s happening now?

• Is there an actual threat, or just the feeling of one?
• Is the level of anger proportionate to the situation?
• Are we reacting to this moment, a story, or an experience from the past?

Check the Facts helps us slow down and take a closer look at what’s going on. It’s a skill we use to determine if our emotion — and its intensity — fits the current situation. When it doesn’t, this skill gives us a path to shift how we feel. And when it does fit, it helps us see that clearly, too, so we can respond effectively.

We’ve all had moments like this:

You text someone you care about — a partner, friend, or family member. Hours go by, and there’s no response. Your chest tightens. Your mind races.

Did I say something wrong? Are they mad? Are they pulling away?

Initial Emotion: Anxiety, guilt, fear of rejection

Initial Assumption: “I messed something up. They’re upset with me and pulling away.”

Let’s walk through Check the Facts:

1. Prompting event: You sent a text this morning, and there hasn’t been a reply yet.
2. What are the facts? You sent the message at 10:02 a.m. It’s now 3:30 p.m. No response. You know they’re working on a major deadline today.
3. What are your assumptions? You’re assuming they’re upset with you or avoiding you.
4. Other explanations: Maybe they’re busy, haven’t seen the message, or plan to respond later.
5. Does the emotion fit the facts? A little anxiety makes sense — this relationship matters to you. But the intense wave of fear and self-blame? That doesn’t line up with the facts.

After checking the facts, you may still feel uneasy, but now you can hold that feeling with a little more balance and clarity.

Or maybe you’ve had moments where something small still hits surprisingly hard:

You walk into a room, make eye contact with a coworker, and they don’t say hello.

Your face gets hot. Seriously? How rude.

You start imagining a confrontation. You feel disrespected and angry.

Initial Emotion: Anger

Initial Assumption: “They’re ignoring me on purpose.”

1. Prompting event: Passed them in the break room. No greeting.
2. Observable facts: Made eye contact, no response. They had headphones in and were on their phone.
3. Assumptions: They’re mad, being rude, avoiding me.
4. Other possibilities: Didn’t recognize me, distracted, didn’t hear me.
5. Emotion fit? Disappointment may fit. And intense anger doesn’t — the facts don’t confirm intentional disrespect.

In both examples, using Check the Facts helps bring down the emotional intensity and allows for a more balanced response.

When Emotions Do Fit the Facts

Sometimes, your emotional response does match the situation, and the intensity makes sense, too.

In DBT, the goal isn’t to get rid of emotions. It’s to understand them. Check the Facts helps us determine whether an emotion — and how strongly we feel it — fits the moment’s reality.

When the emotion fits, it can guide us toward effective, values-based action.

Here are a few examples:

• Fear when you’re walking alone at night and hear footsteps behind you.
• It’s sad when a close friend cancels plans and hasn’t responded lately.
• Anger when someone crosses a boundary you clearly set.
• Shame when you act in a way that violates your deeply held values — and your behavior is viewed negatively by people or communities whose opinions you care about.

Why This Skill Matters in Relationships

Strong emotions are part of every close relationship, especially when we care deeply. But sometimes, what we feel isn’t a perfect match for what’s actually happening.

When that happens, it’s easy to misread someone’s silence, tone, or timing as a sign of rejection or danger.

Check the Facts helps you slow the spiral. It lets you pause before reacting, take a breath, and get curious about what’s happening—both inside and around you.

Instead of jumping to conclusions or getting stuck in fear, you can respond with clarity, balance, and self-respect.  That doesn’t mean ignoring how you feel – it means checking whether your emotions are working with you, or pulling you into patterns you’re ready to shift.

Your Challenge This Week

This week, see if you can catch one moment when a strong emotion shows up – maybe in a conversation, a text, or something you’re replaying in your head.  You don’t have to act on it right away.  Just pause and walk yourself through the steps of Check the Facts:

• What actually happened? Just the facts — no assumptions.
• What are you telling yourself about it? Notice the story your mind is filling in.
• Are there other ways to look at it? Try to come up with at least one or two.
• Does your emotion (and how strong it is) match the facts?

You’re not trying to make your feelings disappear – just slowing things down long enough to understand them better.  The more you practice, the easier it becomes to respond with clarity instead of being swept up in the moment.

Let me know how it goes – or what part of this skill feels hardest to remember.  You’re not alone in this!

Want Support Applying This in Your Life?

Strong emotions can feel overwhelming, especially in relationships that matter. You don’t have to sort through them on your own.

I offer individual DBT therapy and DBT skills training for adults both online and in person to help you build emotional awareness, respond more effectively, and create healthier relationships.  My in-person offices are located in Las Vegas, Nevada, and Torrance, California, and I provide online therapy across Nevada, California and Oregon.

If you’re ready to bring skills like Check the Facts into your daily life, reach out here to learn more or schedule a consultation.

You can explore more topics in the DBT Skills Series blog archive if you’re curious about other practical tools.