DBT Skills Series: 3
DBT Skills Series: Regain Control with Paced Breathing & Paired Muscle Relaxation
When You’re at Your Breaking Point, Your Body Needs a Reset
You know those moments when everything feels too much—your emotions are overpowering, your body is tense, and you feel like you might explode or completely shut down? Maybe your heart is racing, your breath is shallow, or you’re gripping your fists so tightly that you don’t even realize it.
When distress hits this hard, it can feel impossible to think clearly. You can’t just “calm down” on command. Your body is stuck in overdrive, making it harder to do anything but react.
That’s where DBT’s distress tolerance skills come in. This post is part of a series exploring the skills that help you regain control when emotions are running high:
- DBT Skills Series 1: The STOP Skill – Learn how to pause before reacting.
- DBT Skills Series 2: Tip the Temperature & Intense Exercise – Use your body to lower distress fast.
In this post, we’ll complete the set of DBT TIP skills by exploring the final two: Paced Breathing and Paired Muscle Relaxation—two body-based strategies that calm your system from the inside out.
The DBT TIP skills are a set of distress tolerance tools in DBT that work directly with your body to reduce emotional intensity fast. TIP stands for:
- T – Tip the Temperature (use cold to lower arousal)
- I – Intense Exercise (burn off adrenaline)
- P – Paced Breathing (slow your breath to calm the nervous system)
- P – Paired Muscle Relaxation (release body tension on purpose)
Together, these skills help regulate your nervous system when you’re overwhelmed, panicked, or on the edge of doing something impulsive.
P – Paced Breathing
Slow Your Breath, Slow the Spiral
When distress is high, your breathing automatically speeds up becoming fast and shallow, making it even harder to calm down. Paced breathing flips the script by slowing your breath on purpose. It’s like pressing the brakes on an emotional runaway train.
How to Do It:
Slow your breathing to about 5–6 breaths per minute.
- Breathe in for 5 seconds.
- Exhale for 7 seconds. (The longer exhale is key—it signals your nervous system to slow down.)
- Repeat for at least a minute—but go longer if you need to.
💡 Try this: If 5 seconds in and 7 seconds out feels tough, start with 4 seconds in, 6 seconds out, and build up from there.
Real-Life Example: When You’re Spiraling and About to Lose Control
Your emotions are spiraling fast. Your heart is racing, your breathing is shallow, and it feels like everything is too much. Maybe you’re about to have a full-blown panic attack, or maybe the urge to scream, run, or completely lose control is rising.
✅ Instead of letting the panic take over, you force yourself to focus on your breath.
✅ You inhale deeply for 5 seconds, then exhale slowly for 7.
✅ At first, it feels impossible, but your heart rate starts to slow after a few rounds. The spiral starts losing momentum.
The result? The emotions are still there, but now you’re back in control. You have space to think, to decide what to do next, instead of reacting on impulse.
P – Paired Muscle Relaxation
Tense, Hold, Release—Reset Your Body
Ever notice how your body locks up when you’re upset? Your jaw clenches, your fists tighten, and your shoulders feel like they’re glued to your ears. Paired Muscle Relaxation helps you release that tension—on purpose.
How to Do It:
- Inhale deeply while tensing one muscle group (e.g., fists, shoulders, legs).
- Hold for 5 seconds. Notice how tight it feels.
- Exhale slowly while saying “Relax” in your mind, letting go of the tension.
- Move to another muscle group (shoulders, jaw, legs, etc.) and repeat.
💡 Quick tip: If you’re in crisis and need a fast reset, just clench and release your fists a few times. It can help ground you when everything feels out of control.
Real-Life Example: When You’re Fighting the Urge to Do Something Destructive
You can feel the intensity building—rage, panic, or just pure emotional chaos. The urge to self-harm, throw something, or completely lose it is getting stronger by the second. Your whole body feels like it’s about to snap.
✅ Instead of acting on the urge, you clench your fists as tight as possible.
✅ You focus on the tension, how strong it feels, and how much energy is there.
✅ As you exhale, you slowly release your grip, noticing the difference.
✅ You repeat with your shoulders and legs—each release takes just a little bit of intensity out of the moment.
The result? The emotions are still strong, but the urge isn’t running the show anymore.
Why These Skills Work in Crisis Moments
When emotions are overwhelming, your body is working against you. Your breathing is shallow, your muscles are locked up, and your nervous system is in full fight-or-flight mode.
✔ Paced Breathing slows your body’s panic response, giving you space to think.
✔ Paired Muscle Relaxation forces your body to release tension, helping you regain control.
✔ They work fast—sometimes in under a minute—making them real options when things feel unbearable.
These aren’t about “relaxation”—they’re about breaking the cycle of emotional overload before it takes over.
DBT TIP Skills like Paced Breathing and Paired Muscle Relaxation Are Deeply Connected To How Our Nervous System RespondsTo Stress.
If you’re curious about the science behind this connection—especially how DBT and Polyvagal Theory work together—you can explore more in this article from the American Counseling Association:
Your Challenge This Week
The next time you feel like you’re losing control, try one of these TIP skills:
✔ Paced Breathing—slow your inhale, extend your exhale, and see if it takes the edge off.
✔ Paired Muscle Relaxation—tense and release your muscles, and notice if it gives you even a small moment of control.
🔹 Pay attention: How your body responds—does it shift faster than you expected? Do you feel even a little more in control than before? Even if it doesn’t erase the emotion, does it create enough space for you to choose your next move instead of reacting on impulse?
🔹 If one skill doesn’t work, try the other. These are emergency tools—use them like a fire extinguisher when distress is out of control.
And if you forget to use them? No worries—try again next time. The more you practice, the easier it gets.
What was the hardest part? What worked best for you? Drop a comment or share your experience.
Want more DBT tools and future skills?
Visit my main blog page to explore the full DBT Skills Series and more resources for emotional wellness.
