Clarifying Priorities: A DBT Skill for Asking, Saying No, and Protecting Your Relationships

Interpersonal communication matters—probably more than we realize.

In my work, I don’t see many relationships fall apart because someone meant harm. What I see instead are conversations that happen too fast, feelings that haven’t quite settled yet, and people doing their best to explain something they haven’t fully sorted out themselves.

By the time words come out, emotions are already steering the interaction.

These statements are common when coming to therapy:

• “That conversation went so badly, and I don’t even know why.”
• “I knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t explain what I was feeling.”
• “I said yes, even though I didn’t mean it—and now I feel resentful.”
• “I wanted to speak up, but everything froze.”

When you step back and look at these moments together, the same pattern tends to show up:  unclear priorities.

When Communication Feels Hard, Clarity Is Usually Missing

Most of us were never taught how to slow down and ask ourselves what actually matters before we speak. Instead, we react. We try to keep the peace. We avoid conflict. Or we push hard for what we want without thinking about the impact.

Anxiety often shows up right here.

In relationships, anxious moments can create a sense of urgency. Conversations start to feel time-sensitive, as though something must be said immediately or fixed right away. The pressure to prevent conflict or keep someone from getting upset can make it hard to slow down and think clearly. In that state, it’s easy to lose sight of what you’re actually trying to communicate—or what you need most in the moment. That’s where this DBT skill comes in.

The DBT Skill: Clarifying Priorities

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) has a skill that helps slow these moments down before they spiral. Clarifying Priorities invites you to pause before a conversation and ask a simple but powerful question:

What matters most to me in this interaction?

In DBT, this question usually brings one of three priorities into focus:

1. Your Objective– What you want or need from the interaction
2. The Relationship– How you want the relationship to feel afterward
3. Self-Respect– How you want to feel about yourself once it’s over

Here’s the key part:

You can care about all three—but usually, one needs to take the lead in that moment.

Clarifying priorities isn’t about ignoring the other two. It’s about choosing intentionally, rather than reacting in the moment.

This skill is the foundation of DBT’s Interpersonal Effectiveness skills. In the blogs that follow, we’ll build on this skill by exploring how and when to communicate –  and how to ask for what you need while staying connected and self-respecting.

Why Unclear Priorities Create Anxiety and Conflict

Without clear priorities, people often try to protect everything at once.

Requests get softened until they’re hard to understand. Boundaries stretch into long explanations that start to sound like negotiations. Sometimes agreements are made just to keep the peace, only for resentment to show up later. Long after the conversation ends, it keeps replaying—along with doubt and second-guessing.

Anxiety tends to grow in this kind of uncertainty. When nothing feels settled on the inside, the nervous system doesn’t quite stand down—even after the conversation is over.

Clarifying priorities gives you an anchor. Even if the conversation is uncomfortable, you know why you’re saying what you’re saying.

Clarifying Priorities When Making Requests

Making a request often brings up anxiety—not because asking is wrong, but because the priority hasn’t been clarified first. DBT encourages stepping back and checking in before focusing on how to ask.

In some situations, the objective matters most—you need clarity, time, or a specific outcome. In others, preserving the relationship may take the lead. There are also moments when staying aligned with your values matters more than whether the request is granted.

Once that priority is clear, requests tend to feel steadier and more direct. Over-apologizing fades. Hinting becomes unnecessary. Clarity doesn’t make you demanding—it makes you easier to understand.

Clarifying Priorities When Saying No

Saying no is often where this skill becomes most important.

Guilt, fear of disappointing others, or concern about being perceived negatively can make agreement feel safer than honesty. Over time, however, consistently setting aside self-respect fuels anxiety and resentment.

Clarifying priorities offers a different pause point. Instead of reacting automatically, you can ask yourself what agreeing—or declining—will cost you later. Discomfort may still be present, but clarity helps prevent the emotional spiral that often follows.

When self-respect is your priority, you may still feel discomfort—but you’re less likely to spiral afterward. You don’t need a perfect explanation. You don’t need the other person’s approval to approve. You’ve already checked in with yourself.

You Don’t Have to Choose Between Yourself and the Relationship

This is where DBT’s dialectical perspective matters.

Clarifying priorities isn’t about choosing the “right” one every time. It’s about choosing intentionally, based on the situation in front of you.

It’s possible to care about the relationship while still protecting your self-respect.

Asking for what you need doesn’t require sacrificing kindness.

Saying no doesn’t have to mean rejecting the other person. When priorities are clear, communication becomes calmer—even when the outcome isn’t perfect.

Bringing This Skill Into Daily Life

This week, you might try simply noticing:

• moments when conversations feel tense or confusing
• times anxiety spikes before or after an interaction
• situations where yes comes automatically, even when clarity is missing

Before your next difficult conversation, pause and ask:

What matters most to me here—my objective, the relationship, or my self-respect?

That one question can change the entire tone of how you show up.

In the next blogs in this Interpersonal Effectiveness series, we’ll build on this foundation—looking at factors to consider before speaking, and then moving into how to communicate clearly and effectively using DBT skills like DEAR MAN, GIVE, and FAST.

For now, clarity is the starting point.

Ready to Learn More?

Clarifying priorities is often the first step toward clearer communication and less anxiety in relationships. DBT skills can help you approach conversations with more intention and confidence.

If you’d like to explore DBT further, these organizations offer clear, reliable information about DBT skills and treatment:

External Resources:
• Behavioral Tech – official training and research organization for DBT
• NEABPD – education and resources DBT, emotional regulation, and Borderline Personality Disorder

Learn more about DBT in my practice:
• DBT Therapy
• DBT Skills Series

If you’re interested in learning more or joining my waitlist, you’re welcome to reach out at kari@dbtcentersouthbay.com.

I offer DBT and EMDR therapy in Las Vegas, NV and Torrance, CA, with online sessions available across California, Nevada, and Oregon.